The Importance of Friendship Between Black Women and Their Depictions in Media
“Count on me through thick and thin,
a friendship that will never end
When you are weak I will be strong
Helping you to carry on
Call on me I will be there, don’t be afraid
Please believe me when I say,
Count on.”
Kenneth “Babyface” Edmonds wrote this song and many others for the soundtrack of one of my favorite movies, Waiting to Exhale. I wrote those lyrics in my best friend’s yearbook in 2014, about 19 years after it was recorded. Today we are still best friends and not to brag but I have kept my word, or Babyface’s words, from then til now.
The song itself is a promise between two friends that no matter what they may be going through, they will be there for one another. Whenever one is lacking, the other will pick up the slack. Their friendship will never end because they can depend on each other and they love each other.
It’s the last song of the album and the song that plays at the end of the movie when the credits are rolling. At the end of the film, the four friends, Bernadine, Savannah, Gloria, and Robin are celebrating the new year together.
Friendship is an important part of life. It’s something I hold very near to my heart.
The friendship between black women is especially important to me because I am a black woman and my friends are black women. As we maneuver through this country with our identities, we face certain challenges as other marginalized identities but maybe even a little more because of intersectionality. Intersectionality is a term coined by Kimberlé Crenshaw. During her TedTalk, “The urgency of intersectionality,” she explains, “Many years ago, I began to use the term "intersectionality" to deal with the fact that many of our social justice problems like racism and sexism are often overlapping, creating multiple levels of social injustice.” She goes on to say that Black women are “facing all kinds of dilemmas and challenges as a consequence of intersectionality, intersections of race and gender, of heterosexism, transphobia, xenophobia, ableism, all of these social dynamics come together and create challenges that are sometimes quite unique.”
Because it is so tough being a black woman, it is important for us to have friends who understand our daily struggles. It is important to have friends whom you share an identity with so that you don’t have to explain how you feel and why you feel that way. You don’t have to explain how something hurt you. All of the tiny microaggressions you experience throughout the day, the week, the month, it is more than likely your friend experienced them too. She understands your feelings because she’s felt them too.
When the two of you link up, you can just shake off all the racism, misogynoir, and sexism you’ve faced. It’s easier to wave off a Karen, especially when you’ve got your sister with you.
It’s a sisterhood. A bond like no other.
It is important to have a friend who sees you the way you see yourself, who sees you as you are. But a friend who also sees you as a reflection of herself.
The portrayal of friendship between black women is one of my favorite things. Waiting to Exhale is my ultimate favorite. More of my favorites are, 90s sitcom Living Single, 1973 novel Sula by the late, great Toni Morrison, and Destiny’s Child hit single, Girl, from their final album Destiny Fulfilled.
Waiting to Exhale (1995)
The film adaptation of Terry McMillan’s novel, Waiting to Exhale, is a perfect depiction of black women and black women friendship in any medium. The film stars Angela Bassett, Whitney Houston, Lorretta Devine, and Lela Rochon as four women who are experiencing life’s joys, as well as its heartaches.
One of my favorite scenes from the movie is when Bernadine wants Gloria, who is a beautician, to cut all her hair off after she’s processed that her husband wants a divorce and when I say process, I mean burn all of his clothes and sold most of his belongings in a yard sale for chump change. Gloria is clearly agitated with her and they start to bicker about cutting Bernie’s beautiful, long hair. When Bernadine takes the scissors and snips off her hair defiantly, Gloria finally obliges her friend’s request, grudgingly, of course.
Another one of my favorite scenes is when they celebrate Gloria’s birthday. The scene features songs from the iconic soundtrack, It Hurts Like Hell performed by Aretha Franklin and Let it Flow performed by Toni Braxton. The scene begins with Savannah, Robin, and Bernie, toasting to Gloria their best friend and beautician. After a few drinks, the mood changes to a somber one. They discuss what someone has to go through in order to make a song like It Hurts Like Hell, Savannah comments that none of them have a man. Meanwhile, Bernie is distraught over her divorce and how her husband ruined her life. She’s so upset that she impulsively decides to call her husband’s mistress and Robin, who is obviously drunk, encourages Bernie to call. Gloria, on the other hand, tries to talk her out of it and ultimately unplugs the phone, telling her, “It’s stupid and it’s childish.” Bernie expresses that she is hurt and then tries to lighten the mood with, “What happened to the music? I thought this was supposed to be a party.” They drink and dance and then joke around for the rest of the night, proving that a little wine, quality time with your girls, and laughter can be the best medicine.
Waiting to Exhale, in my opinion, is a great example of the importance of Black women having friends who tell you the truth, friends who protect you from harmful situations and bad decisions, friends who are ready to curse anybody out if need be, and friends who are there to comfort you. Friends who think nothing of helping you along while on your journey of self discovery, even while they’re on a journey of their own.
Living Single (1993-1998)
“We are living (ooh)
Single (Hey)
Yes we’re living the single life (Yeah)
We are living (Hey)
Single (Ooh)
And in a nineties kind of world,
I’m glad I got my girls.”
The Living Single theme song is performed by Queen Latifah, who also starred in the sitcom as Khadijah James, founder of Flavor Magazine. Costars of the show are
Kim Coles as Synclaire James, Khadijah’s simple and naive cousin from Minneapolis who also works as a receptionist for Flavor. Kim Fields as Regine Hunter, Khadijah’s childhood friend, who is a stylish, boutique buyer, and serial dater. Erika Alexander as Maxine Shaw, attorney at law, Khadijah’s best friend from college who is strong, competitive, and always raiding her friends’ refrigerator.
For those of you who have never seen Living Single, it is a sitcom about 20-something year old Black women friends who are working, dating, and enjoying life in a 90s kind of world. The show is light-hearted and comical but it shines a light on serious subjects as well.
Such as seeking therapy when stress becomes unbearable. “Shrink to Fit,” Episode 19 of Season 3, Khadijah is overwhelmed by the stress in her life so she reluctantly sees a psychiatrist. In the 90s, I’m sure there was more of a stigma around the idea of therapy since Khadijah attended her first session incognito in a wig that probably belonged to Regine, and a pair of sunglasses. She said, “I always thought psycho therapy was for bougie people with money to burn. I mean, if I have a problem, I usually just go to church, get me some Jesus, and I’m cool.” Her sentiment towards therapy is shared by many Black people who would rather find solace in church and religion than looking within and facing the actual problem or problems. Khadijah initially denies that she is in any distress at all, but she finally breaks down and realizes she might actually be depressed. Even when some of the stress in her life eases up, she can’t ignore the nagging feeling of sadness when thinking of things she’s missed out on because of work. Her psychiatrist prescribes Khadijah a week vacation, with no work and no friends and they promised to see each other once they got back. This teaches viewers an important lesson about mental health and how you can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself.
Living Single also speaks on unwritten rules between friends, also known as girl code. In episode 2 of season 1, “I’ll Take Your Man,” Maxine begins dating a man that Regine broke things off with. Although Max asked, “Regine, do you care if I give Charles a call?” and Regine replied, “No, girl. Go ahead and call.” She was fuming when Charles took Max to Sunday service and brunch, claiming “I did not tell you to call him, I said that you could call him.” Khadijah who finds herself in the middle of a feud between her childhood friend and her best friend from college, makes it clear that she is not getting in the middle of it. When Regine asks for her input she says, “I’m not sayin’ a damn thing.” Which in my opinion was the right thing to do. At the end of the episode, Max gets dumped by Charles and they make a rule that “No occupant of this house… or friend of an occupant of this house will date the ex or current boyfriend of said others.”
Living Single is one of my favorite depictions of friendship between Black women in the media because of the realistic friendship dynamics. The writers captured the very essence of friendship between Black women in their 20s, including all the shade, pettiness and drama.
Even more realistic about their friend group is that they all come in different shapes, sizes, and colors. Regine is short, busty, and light skinned. She’s very stylish and has a wig for every day of the week and every occasion. Khadijah is tall and curvy, let the 90s tell it she was “plus sized. She’s tomboyish and cared more about her magazine than what she was wearing but always looked fly when she had to and her hair was regularly pressed for the gods. Synclaire, tall and curvy, just like her cousin, had an eccentric style that was fitting for her eclectic personality. Maxine, dark skinned and lean, rocked her hair in braids. She usually was laid back in the fashion department but always had a classy suit for when she was working.
Each friend had their own unique style and even though they clashed sometimes, their group would be incomplete without one of them. It reminds me so much of my group of friends and that’s what makes it real. In addition to its relatability, the show is absolutely hilarious and worth binge watching.
Sula (1973)
Sula is the second novel by Toni Morrison, has many themes including motherhood, duality, and death but the novel also has a theme of friendship and it tells the tale of two friends, Sula and Nel. This friendship was a very profound relationship from the moment it began. Both girls, Nel and Sula were both lonely children growing up in their prospective homes. The book describes their meeting as fortunate. “Their meeting was fortunate, for it let them use each other to grow on. Daughters of distant mothers and incomprehensible fathers (Sula’s because he was dead; Nel’s because he wasn’t), they found in each other’s eyes the intimacy they were looking for.”
Without spoiling too much of Toni Morrison’s masterpiece, they grow up, Nel gets married and Sula leaves to go to college. Upon Sula’s return, they joke about old times and share a good laugh. Nel felt “Talking to Sula had always been a conversation with herself.”
Sadly, Sula and Nel have a serious falling out and Sula dies before they can get to be on good terms again. However, Sula’s dying thought is, “Well I’ll be damned… it didn’t even hurt. Wait’ll I tell Nel.” In her dying moment, she thinks of her best friend and there is no strife between them anymore.
Some years later, Nel is doing community service with the church, she goes to visit Sula’s grandmother who is now old and senile. She recognizes Nel, though she seems to confuse her for her own granddaughter. Nel explains this to Eva and Eva tells her, “Just alike. Both of you. Never no difference between you.”
When Nel goes to visit Sula’s grave at the cemetery, she realizes she didn’t miss what she lost on account of her falling out with Sula, she missed her friendship with Sula. That her friendship with Sula had been the most important relationship in her life.
“All that time, all that time, I thought I was missing Jude.” And the loss pressed down on her chest and came up into her throat. “We was girls together,” she said as though explaining something. “O Lord, Sula,” she cried, “girl, girl, girlgirlgirl.”
The novel shows the complexities of friendship. Sometimes we find friendships with people who we can relate to, but oftentimes, subconsciously, we make friends with people who have what we may lack. This seemed to be the case with Sula and Nel. Without each other they were incomplete and they would lack something that only the other could give them. They were two halves of one whole. Who found comfort, solace, relief, and joy in each other.
There are tons of sentences and paragraphs that explain their friendship but there’s one that sums up their relationship as Black girls and then Black women. “So when they met, first in those chocolate halls and next through the ropes of the swing, they felt the ease and comfort of old friends. Because each had discovered years before that they were neither white nor male, and that all freedom and triumph was forbidden to them, they had set about creating something else to be.”
Girl by Destiny’s Child (2005)
This one is fairly short but I wanted to include it because the song is written and performed by Black women who happen to be one of the world’s most successful girl groups, Destiny’s Child. The lyrics to the song were written for Kelly Rowland who had been in an abusive relationship at the time. The song was a plea for Kelly to leave the relationship.
The chorus goes:
Girl, I can tell you've been crying
And you needing somebody to talk to
Girl, I can tell he's been lying
And pretending that he's faithful and he loves you
Girl, you don't have to be hiding
Don't you be ashamed to say he hurt you
I'm your girl, you're my girl, we your girls
Don't you know that we love ya?
Kelly Rowland, when asked, admitted to being emotional when she first heard the song, "Of course, I did! The girls wrote it for me.” She went on to say, "Destiny's Child is deeper than what people see on the surface. Those are my homies for life. For life! Those girls, we stuck with each other - period." These words would ring true because Kelly and Michelle helped Beyoncé celebrate and perform for major stages such as the Super Bowl Halftime Show and Coachella Music Festival. Kelly and Beyoncé were most recently together in the music video Brown Skin Girl, for Beyoncé’s visual album Black is King.
In Girl, the lyrics that stand out the most to me, are the ad libs toward the end of the song, when Beyoncé sings, “I’ve been knowing you since you were 10, you cannot hide from yo friends!”
As friends they can already sense that something is amiss with their friend. Especially after knowing each other for so long. That there is nothing to hide amongst friends and that their friendship is indeed a safe space.
…
Friendship is such a vital part of life. “Friends are the family you get to choose.” For Black women, friendship is like looking in a mirror. Yes we are all different but there’s something deep down that brings us and keeps us together. Perhaps it’s like Toni Morrison describes. We are neither white nor male so we come together to create something else to be. It is at the intersection of Black and woman that brings us together as friends and it’s life that brings us closer.
The world has not been particularly kind to Black women. Systemic racism and mysogynoir has oppressed us and kept us down so much that we only feel safe with each other. I feel safest when I’m with my family but I feel equally safe with my friends. I know that they love me and I know that they listen to me and they hear me and they understand me. Amongst friends there should be familiarity, there should be relief, there should be joy, and there should be love.
Toni Morrison sums up my feelings about my friendships in four simple words, in a letter she wrote to Black women in an essay entitled A Knowing So Deep, “My sister, my me.”
Notes:
Living Single is available for streaming on Hulu.
The link for, The urgency of Intersectionality, where Kimberlé Crenshaw discusses the dangers of intersectionality and police violence against Black women is listed below and I implore everyone who reads this to watch her TEDTalk because it is so important especially during these times where Black people are getting killed by police. We need to remember that it’s not just Black men, Black women are getting killed as well. We also have to remember that their deaths are brutal tragedies and more than catchphrases on t-shirts and punchlines for tweets.
More on the list of the depiction of friendship between Black women in the media, that I could not include because this would be the length of a novel:
Set it Off (film) (now streaming on Netflix)
Girlfriends (sitcom)(now streaming on Netflix)
Insecure (HBO series)(available to stream on HBO)
Best Friend by Missy Elliott (featuring Aaliyah)
Best Friend by Brandy
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